| ...But thought I should post on here too...
So, I haven't written a blog in awhile. And I'm not usually really into these things. But I was inspired to write tonight by a girl I work with. Tonight at work, we got to talking about relationships, and it really got me to thinking about a lot of things. Now, just as a disclaimer, I'm going to go ahead and say that I'm not an expert on them obviously. The last relationship I was "really" in was over two years ago, and I'm lucky to still be friends with the guy because he is great. But after him, I haven't had too much luck with relationships or dating and am still trying to figure out why. There are tons of reasons, including my inability to let go of the past and how I'd been hurt, my pickiness, my independence, my complete rejection of guys in general for a few months, VERY bad timing, and my knack for choosing the wrong ones everytime. I feel like I've taken just about every approach there is to dating in the last year: letting the guy do the asking, being aggresive and going after what I want, being friends first, and everything in between. And like I said, I haven't had a lot of luck. I think all of it has helped me come to some very good conclusions though. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this so bare with me...
First of all, I think everyone wants someone. No one enjoys being lonely. Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that everyone wants to dive headfirst into a serious relationship right this second and be with that one person forever and ever. I know I'm not necessarily wanting that or looking for that kind of committment right now, I'm way too young for that kind of talk. But everyone at least wants someone to hang out with and be goofy and laugh with, someone to hold them when they're lonely or have had a bad day, someone who understands where they have been and where they are going, someone to fill up the hole in their heart and the void in their life, and someone who genuinely cares about them and what they have to say. Even if it's not the fairy tale forever, it's nice to have someone special in your life for a little while. It's nice to know you've gotten to know someone else for who they really are and have made memories with them. I think, whether people admit it or not, at least a little part of them longs for this. I know I do.
Something else I have quickly figured out: Dating, especially in college, is just like a game of poker. If you show another player your cards, the game is over right then and there. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one for playing games and if I had it my way, I'd tell people exactly how I feel towards them. If I had it my way, if I wanted to be around you, I'd tell you. If I liked you, I'd tell you. The only problem with this is that we as humans aren't wired to handle that kind of honesty right off the bat. We are naturally wired to desire and chase everything we can't have and quickly reject everything that comes easily to us. As annoying as it is, the game of hard to get seems to be the only way to win. I hope to be lucky enough to find someone who I don't feel the need to play games with forever and who doesn't feel the need to play games with me forever. Sure, it can be fun for awhile, and I think every relationships needs this building block stage, if only to have something funny and special to talk about later. But sometimes after all of the chasing you just want a little bit of consistency.
It's a very scary thing to get to know someone and give them a chance at getting close to your heart. After all, the ones closest to us are the ones that hurt us the most, as I'm sure everyone reading this has found out for themselves the hard way a time or two. For a very long time I believed that the reward that came from this kind of sharing wasn't worth the risk. I thought being alone was way better than letting anyone else get to know me because I took the chance of falling for them and not being caught. And maybe since then I've listened to one too many love songs or watched one too many movies with happy endings, but I again believe that the reward of having someone else in your life is more than worth the risk you take everytime you extend your heart or feelings towards a person.
I've learned that everyone has some of their own baggage from past relationships and some scars that others left that might not ever fully heal. But I've also learned that this is ok as long as we don't let our baggage block new roads we can make for ourselves or blame others for scars they had nothing to do with.
I think I am saying all of this to say that I'm finally ready to get over my fears and wear my heart on my sleeve again. Sure, I may not speak all of my thoughts and feelings right away, but the right person will come looking for them when the time is right.
"I've cried an ocean of tears
And now my heart's rolling in with the tide
So now I can finally say
I'm ready to swallow my pride"
P.S...If you read this whole blog, I seriously admire you  |
